Maybe you can help, maybe you know someone else who could help, maybe you’ve got some suggestions or you have encountered what I am going to be talking about. Anyway I thought I’d throw out what is going on with me as a writer and person and see if anyone has experienced the same thing. It’s freaking me and depressing me out! Thanks for listening!
I’m trying to hold on to the thought I am trying to ask about long enough to put it down into a coherent story. This is more frustrating for me than any thing I’ve ever had to deal with in all of my life. A few months ago I had a migraine, nothing unusual, except that the pain and the texture of it evolved into a fleshy lump you could feel at the base of my skull that you could push around . There were two small tender lumps on either sides of the collar bone that were tender and mushy also. You could see the arteries on either side on my neck, bulging and blue and sensitive.
I was freaking out. These symptoms I had experienced a few times before in the preceding weeks and had told my Dr. about the freakiness of it all. I thought it was due to the extreme amount of disturbing stress I was under. The Dr., as usual ignored me, refusing to believe the reality of my circumstances let alone that any damage could be done to the human mind and body because of it.
On this day I could hardly breath, the headache and pressure , which felt like my nerves where being twisted and pulled out from the top of my shoulders and upper back , was soo intense I didn’t dare move for fear I would end up having a stroke or heart attack or worse..which I believe actually happened. I am no Dr. but any human experiencing such unusual pain and other oddities within the body and brain would know something is desperately wrong .But the fact that you can’t get any Dr. to listen to you just adds to the nightmare of the situation intensifying the already incredible mounting of pain.
The migraine suddenly burst into the worst pain, not even describable in words. Now I’ve had migraines all of my life, the kind where if I had had a gun I would have shot myself, but this was on a pain plain of existence that was beyond excruciatingly horrific. I was screaming, I was wailing, I was terrified. The top of my head felt like mush, like there wasn’t even a skull there, and to touch it was to feel more indescribable hot searing pain . I thought I could put my hand right through my head. The nerves over my eye, extending from my ear and along my jaw were massive and swollen. Then the whole left side of my body went numb. My mouth felt like it was injected with a bunch of novocaine. When I tried to open my mouth to ask for help I thought water was pouring out . It felt like my the left side of my body was melting to the floor. My feet which felt cold and clammy, something I’ve never felt before , felt as if they were disconnected from my body. The pain in my head was the most terrifying experience of my life! If I ever had to experience that again I don’t know if I’d make it through -it was that horrific! Just before the volcanic explosion in my brain I managed to take an aspirin. I don’t know if that did anything, but just about 20 minutes after the climax -everything subsided to a dull, numb kind of relaxation. I felt like I was floating in tranquility. It took a few hours for my words to not slur and to regain solid feeling throughout my body. And because this took place in front of five people who thought it no big deal and the thoughts of a Dr. was the same, nothing more of it was talked about.
But my mind is not the same. This is worrying me out more than I can stand. At first I didn’t notice anything different. But as the months go by (It’s been five months) , my mind is blank and so much less creatively thinking. This is extremely disturbing since I have a mind that does not shut off..ever. It is constantly thinking, constantly creating , constantly jumping all over the place. Within five minutes of letting my mind wander It could span hundreds of topics roaming into and over new fun and crazy ideas. My writing is so deeply effected. I can’t write. I can’t think a thought to write and when I do it’s a struggle to pull it and keep it alive long enough to form something coherent out of it. I’ve been enjoying word challenges because it gives me a focus, but that is something I never had a problem with before. Words, feelings, and atmosphere just fell into my head, now it’s like I never experienced any emotions from any thing before and from which I could take and write about.
It could be something as simple as writing a note. It’s overwhelmingly frustrating that something simple ends up being a week long project trying to pick out the thought I am trying to express!
Has this happened to anyone out there? You feel like your mind is being erased. This must be what it is like to think like that of a normal person…. I”M FREAKIN OUT!
Words are disappearing, the rhythm is out of beat, my words are out of tune . I sit and try to think and NOTHING develops. I can’t think far ahead, I forget things the second after it enters my mind. It’s like I can’t figure the simplest solutions out to get stuff done or progress ….It’s like I am stuck in a circle. This is so abnormal for me!. I’ve never been without a thought, without dozens of thoughts.
If someone else is experiencing this or has experience with helping/healing this, or is a neuroscience Dr. and can help, I’d love to hear from you!!!! I’m experimenting with herbs for memory and focus like rosemary and I’m searching around for short writing challenges to help build imagination. I love reading and looking at all of ya all’s words, stories, ideas and pictures for inspiration and word therapy!
So maybe you might know what is going on with my brain and what I could do…because I just can’t think !!!