Without God

I remember waking up to a gorgeous Sunday morning after one hour of sleep in three days. The mornings always come like a partial birth. The mind and body severed from one another with the heavy weight of yesterday’s mistakes still lingering in my veins. I’m acutely aware of the pain my body it endures from being in a state of constant repair and regeneration and just how insane it is for someone to go through this crap over and over day after day, week after week, year after year. And although my mind feels overwhelmed from its constant “on” button it feels refreshed by the brand-newness of the early hour.

It’s a new day another chance to reconcile with my abnormalities within this world, yet my soul aches with the residual consequences of past decisions. And then there is the constant battle with insomnia, a battle I’ve been losing all of my life, a battle that leaves me in more of a walking, sub-deviant, diluted, waking living hell for most of the day until the sun starts to set. And when I recover and begin to feel alive, the quiet of the evening jams my senses reminding me that I have only hours left to enjoy this full on alertness with the rest of civilization before I am alone once more while the rest of the city retires to a perfect state of dreaminess.

It is a vicious cycle that I can not endure without colorful soldiers escorting me through the motions. They are at my command to use waking me into action so that I can be counted as one among the living. And they are at my command to lull me to sleep when the fear of losing my mind becomes to much to bear from watching the hours slide slowly by.

And so now I begin where I left off, beyond the gin-stained smile soaked in from last nights kiss. I will start like this over and over again.

Word Playground

In This Moment- There’s a fire starting in my Heart
Reaching a Fever pitch that’s bringing me out of the Dark-ley’s
Don’t have to ask this Bohemian twice B Foster
put another Dime in the Jukebox Baby
Its Sunset time on the boulevard
Rudolf’s blitzed in the ballroom and Blondie’s ready to roll!
Jermaine says hi,,Germain? Jermaine Jackson?? Jackson! Jackson 5,,Tito!

the Orchids smelling up the after decay
It’s all spider webs and flies When the Lights go out
your White Lies taste great with Peppermint pattie – green tea Mochi
There’s fire burning on the seven seas
Children are dying just to feed mans Greed
Disgusting? did YOU feed the Corporation today?
everyone’s trying to parlay their “magical” paper into
a dream, a pain- beautiful like a pink unicorn dripp drying red

I Live on the Right Side and Sleep on the Left but I can’t Sleep with Eyes Wide Shut
there’s too much Perfume FlyLeaf-ing around
Brom is Holden my Heart Thirty Nine Steps from Brutus Arizona
It’s a Catch 22 on Blue October Halloween night
movies, are now endorsing machines, Crap Crap materialistic Crap
to keep you Under the Influence- Are You buying into?

I had a fever of 451
paging Dr. Blair, Dr. Blair- I can’t remember anything
give em more xx777xxx777xxx
warning Warning WARNING
The Sky is Falling -The Sky is Falling!
but its Friday, I’m in Love!
MY Eye’s Set to Kill.

I saw Gilda and The Prince kissing the Winter Queen under The Fountainhead
while The Idiot stood Silently watching that silly Rabbit chasing time
Ohh the Places You’ll go
Passenger? No, never! I fly by my own wings in a
67, 69, charger, challenger, chevelle or camaro

trees trees, skeleton like fingers reaching loudly whispering to me

Fat Face races with the Hollywood Undead at Signal Hill
Repo Man there has an insatiable curiosity Jim
And he’s always waiting for Titus to come out of his Burroughs to take The Fall

Carlin is Never More never more
But True Romance still blooms for Mary all bloody and ready to settle the score

the air is fresh Within Temptation
so Come out of Your Cave
Come out and Play
Then you really might no What it’s like to Sing the Blues

We’ll head south just take my hand
this Heart is alive and flaming, boiling over red
Farewell to the Playground

But you I’m out and I’m gone I’ll tell you now I keep it on and on”

(Thank you Daily Post for your Embrace the White post)

valentines day for a six year old

I’ve always loved the month of february. as a little girl I’d cut out pink, red and white hearts, circles and other mixtures of shapes to hang like garland and sting off of lamps and hallway doors. I’d make clothes pin dolls and big heart shaped paper houses and mix up some cherry kool aid for my stuffed animals, cars and transformers. I love decorating the month of february but valentines day is another matter. before the days when teachers wised up to the fact that giving a choice to elementary kids for picking out their own valentine wasn’t such a great idea, it was a very stressful and anxious time for six-year olds to handle. would the kid who played with me, who was my science partner by choice, who’d always pick me for co-captain on the dodge ball team make me their valentine? when the valentines got passed out I’d hold my breath hoping to not be embarrassed by my own expectations. I wouldn’t look at them until I got home, smiling all the way home to cover any insecurities I had about being left out of the “boyfriend-girlfriend” social circles. my friends would call “I got a valentine, and some chocolates from so and so.” of course it would be from the person I thought liked me. turns out I was the decoy for their hidden “romance” and the valentines I got although were nice and thoughtful were from the five friends I had and a couple from “I don’t like you but my momma made me give one to everyone in the class.”-classmates, it was still a devastating day.
the next day I’d act like valentines day never existed and “the one” for me did the same as we continued to play the best buddy roles.I could breath again without having to be labeled in a “relationship” while the whole first grade watched our every move. So at least I had another 364 days before I knew if that valentine I secretly like was true.
Happy Valentines day:)