“I love You, O Lord, my strength”
The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer,
My God, my rock, in whom I take refuge;
My shield and the horn of my salvation,
I call upon the Lord, who is worthy to be praised,
And I am saved from my enemies.
I called on a king and horse for a ride
to whisk me away past every last cloud
in turn he asked when taking my hand if I’d be his new bride
and rule with him in a far off land where the whole of truth reigns
he mends and shelters my broken heart
until the disease of emptiness within it departs
til my spirit spills over from the fullness of loves power
the beast that is famine now satisfied
his pure heart prevails, into the kind suns warmth we set sail
to a peaceful realm, in the kingdom of blue and gold towers
a beautiful life we live in promised absolute happiness
entwined forever until the hour that steals our very last breath
As I sat a step beneath him on the stairs of the hallway that led to nothing
tears streaming down my red ravaged face, he lifted my chin to his level.
I could see the emptiness in his face yet it managed to portray a selfish irritation.
I looked into his eyes, there was no regret, no concern
he was focused on getting across one point only.
“I want to walk into the room like a king (his pupils dilate) and you a queen (pupils contract back into emptiness). I don’t care about anyone around us, just that they see me that way.”
I looked up towards the dull yellow hall wall near the top of the stairs, the bottom near the molding was smeared with blood.
And with a tone of scolding that was attached to no emotion nor to the reality of the situation he questioned “Is that going to wash off?”
you pushed me so far
wanting me to end up right where you are
bloody and bleeding in absolute misery
I had no idea the game was so easy
broken, lost, flying high
I was dying just to feel alive
I was so blind and did not see
the One with the power
was always beside me
now here I am
made new in Him
you all stabbed me
then blamed me
played me in your seedy schemes
you left me with demons and laughed at the scene
deep in darkness heavy within pain
that is when I had everything to gain
I found His strength
the power of the only One
now what has started
can never be undone
now here I am
made new in Him
He is everything you can never be
I see all your foolishness
all the lies and deceit you reaped upon me
I’ve no more anger because I know what’s true
and He, yes, will even save you
wake up and see
and have courage enough to just beleive
I was just about to write about mothers day and then…
He screams at me again. A grown old man throwing a tantrum like a 4 year old who received the “wrong” colored bike for a birthday gift. My heart doesn’t jump into a state of pre-heart attack mode anymore but none the less I still had to brace myself as I heard his hurried, heavy footsteps stomp down to where I was sitting. And my hands still shake awhile after the encounter but I think that would be normal for anyone gearing up for an unwelcome attack. I don’t know how to respond anymore to the insanity that drives him to focus just solely on me in a place where four others reside. It seems that I didn’t wipe the counter off well enough after I, well, wiped it. And he states “I’m getting heavy lately with slacking on keeping up with my messes, lets pick up after ourselves.” (I love that “ourselves”).
Doesn’t mater that I’m never around to make messes and it doesn’t mater that while the anger swells up within him he’s walking across dirty crumb filled floors, pass various items piled with thick dust and down a hallway filled sporadically of dropped items such as shoes and other unidentifiable objects non of which are mine. Yet a drop of water left unattended is enough to infuriate a grown man causing him to belittle and bully a women, a grown adult, mother of two. The sis and mom are eyeing eachother like “uhh-humm” I can feel it.
I’ve finally got to the point where I can almost laugh at him. Not to his face of course because I’d get pounded. But I don’t see him or them anymore as having anything to do with me. What they think doesn’t mater, what they feel, I no longer try to rationalize as a behavior they exhibit because of their own childhood pain. That no longer applies. They’ve had decades to learn and change and mature and love. I no longer dwell for days on end wondering why they hate me. I simply don’t care. I will never apologize and lower myself, scraping the floor with my heart trying to settle THEIR storm. It’s been quite a process facing what I’ve always known to be true but just couldn’t believe I was actually living it-My family are bonafide true blue psychopaths. Very hard core too, any psychoanalysis or what not would die just to hear my story then interview them. Unfortunately I inherited the worse kind, the kind who sabotage and not only wish for it but actually do harm.
They’ve tormented me my whole life and I took it because I thought that it was normal. Thank God for the internet and for cable. Now I know why I never had TV growing up. My family isolates themselves into a bubble where they are all that exists and that is what I was taught. I can’t believe how much time has been lost while I swimming in a world of misinformation. But a few months ago something happened to me that was quite wild.
It was after another violent encounter him. I was giving my mother tips on how to prepare the turkey a different
way. You know like how people who are cooking something in an open kitchen and the women go in to talk about what they saw on the Food Network about turkey and side dishes. Women do that don’t they? Especially in a family where there are a bunch of women and you all see eachother everyday. Well since she’s always wondering how to make this and that and I have the herb information why wouldn’t I share that? I guess I was wrong and I was told that. I was told that is not what people do and I am way out of line and disrespectful. He said all this, well slobberly shouted it as he tore across the room flying over an occupied couch, lips peeled back over his teeth, arms stretched long fingers reaching towards my neck. Bulls eye. We danced for awhile made it to the door and kissed the cement sidewalk out front. The sis and mom are not saying a word but I happen to see them glaring at me as I shot a “don’t you think this is insane? um will you say something?” Nope not now not never but they’re sure tell me I’m the one that’s crazy.
They went back to cooking. I sat on the front lawn just totally in amazement how this crap is even possible in any realm of fact or fiction. And then instead of crying and freaking out everything stopped. My mind slowed, the scenery around me slowed down. I felt disconnected from myself. And then all of these memories came like a flood passing before my eyes. Every event, incidence, problem, question that I ever wanted to know the answer for why it happened, what did I do wrong, why me, why why why..? was answered. And I saw so clearly the path that led to the beginning of every bad twist and turn, every pain and despair, every hell I went through, was caused by my family. The things I did, the types of people I had around me, the valueless concept thinking of myself, had all been caused by the direct result of their pushing, conditioning and isolation. And I was free.
How much time do people waste wondering what it is that they did wrong that causes them to get into another painful situation or what can they do to change to make things better within their situation. It was never me that I needed to change. It was the environment. I was never going to experience happiness by surrounding myself in environments filled with the types of people my family showed me I deserved. Those were the only types of people I had been exposed to. There’ve never been adults in my life, there’s never been anyone to learn from. And when ever I was proven smart by outside forces they did everything to drag me back down to there level. No one can be better. Now everything makes sense to me.
I feel like I’ve climbed another level of humanizim. I’m growing towards something so awesome, towards God and truth. It’s freedom to rise above the fog and see clearly far above this world so clogged with such twisted thinking and acting that to give into it, will suck out your soul and you’ll find yourself dead inside acting like zombie sheep.
I’ve been bullied my whole life by many different kinds of people. But now, thanks to the extreme, incisive, unyielding bullying laid on from my family I understand it and I know myself. And when you know those two things you can almost laugh at how weak someone has to be in order act like one. And you will see that people have all kinds of reasons, jelousy and envy because they want so badly to be like you, only it comes natural to you and they have no idea how to get it. It could be out of the need to be popular with that girlfriend or boyfriend who hates you. And then you see how pathetic not just that person is but the people who cheer on or indulge the bully laughing in agreement. Or it could be that they sincerely are just evil and that is soo sad because in order for them to get “high” about themselves and feel like they mater, they have to bully the one who is most sensitive.
But they don’t mater anymore. I see who and what they are and I know that I will never have to put myself into worlds that consist of yucky people. And for the psychopathic ones I have to be around for the moment, I no longer am a slave to their words, which I will make into a novel and then I will be totally free.
I’ll write about mothers day tomorrow maybe.
Good gooood Morning!
An interesting conclusion to a problem I discovered for myself. Now you might have known this all along but for those who don’t here it is. When you get time for yourself, I mean real time, time that is not restricted by a certain length like an hour or a day, amazing things happen. When-enever I got a week to myself it always went the same. The first day and a half my body would purge itself, I’d find I was soo emotional! I couldn’t figure out why! Here I was soo excited to have this time to myself, I had planned to get this done and that, and I couldn’t because I was so emotional. Then the next few days were AWESOME! I’d feel more alive than ever, my brain could move and my body would relax. Then I’d freak out the night before my time was up, I’d get anxious. But the last day I was filled with such a peace and strength of renewal there was no mistaken that the environment that went away played such a part in weighing me down and zapping my energy, it was literally killing me from the inside out.
The other thing I noticed is that I would lose weight without changing anything but the way I breathed! My stomach wasn’t tied in knots, my back and neck weren’t stiff, sore and cringing every time I heard a noise. I started doing Qi Gong and found it an amazing cleansing of environmental toxins and toxic people who linger in my space.
But the point is this, we all need quiet unrestricted time to purge ourselves from every annoyance, scheduled this and that, bickering, routine, and just other peoples negativity. It is so wonderful to wakeup and hear NOTHING! It is so wonderful to sit where ever you want (inside or out) and know no one is coming in the door so you had better have this done or that. Now I know that is why people, mainly couples, take vacations, but you need to go by yourself -anywhere! Even if it’s in the same city. I know it seems like a foreign Idea and I would have been like “heck no I want my soo and so to come so we can both get away and spend some quality time together.” Ummm NO. Time together is not quality time for your mind and soul, two is a crowd when your trying to rejuvenate YOURSELF. And trust me after the second or third day (unless your a quick purger and I thought I was but it still takes me like 2 days) you will be so glad you are alone and there are no decisions to be made no thinking to be done, no time you have to be here or not be there. There is no conflict or wayne of interest. Your mind needs a break from that!
You know your mind is hardly your own! It belongs to the routines of the human world and to anyone else in your life. That is why when people grow up they forget how to be childlike, they forget how to use their imagination and energy. Remember way back when and you didn’t have a care in the world, you would go outside or play in your room for hours just creating things (building blocks, coloring, making tree forts, creating make believe villages in the grass using transformers, fisher price people and match box cars, or just reading for hours getting lost in a book taking your imagination to far off lands and worlds) and how when you get older that all fades away? For some people they carry that(their child like powers of imagination and creative thinking)into adulthood for their career and have you noticed they are still the most creative and happiest people?
When we fall away from who we are and give over half of ourselves to others, we become stale and narrow minded. I don’t mean in a mean or bad way, but we become less interesting to OURSELVES. To some extent we shut down the part of us that loves to learn and grow, explore and create-but most of all we lose our humor and our core (the “our self” we hung out with when we were little.)
Take some time away from it all to get back on track with yourself. It does wonders for your mind-it stimulates and recharges those creative energies and powers up our strength juices, that “lets do it, lets go, Yeee Haaa” kind of juices. And when your body relaxes you breath correctly and that stimulates your intestines by massaging them and moving the waste out, toxins stop clinging to your insides- So you lose weight without even trying!…IT DOES YOUR BODY GREAT!!! and you get to just be your whole self again and when you re-enter into your environment or it re-enters into yours, you can tell if it is, or who is a positive force and who is a negative force in your life and you can and NEED to adjust accordingly so it is all positive and you won’t h be dragged down over and defueled over the course of the next year,waiting for the next vacation to come! Who knows you could be dead! And you want to live your best right now-everyday!
P.S you’ll be able to get back on track with what God wants for you too! To much “noise” and we totally miss His messege-Don’t let the devils that plague our life every single day consistently interrupting our Spirit- get you down!
Why do kids cry when leaving their moms and dads at their school? Instead of being excited to go somewhere outside of the family unit, go somewhere where you’ll learn things you can’t at home, go to a place of discovery and excitement, stimulation and experience- parents have instilled in their children that THEY are the most important thing in their world, that they can not survive or do anything without them standing right there.
American parents instill guilt in their children for wanting to be themselves, for wanting-needing to be different in thought, feeling and beliefs apart from the momy and dady. Parents punish their kids in tremendously harmful ways emotional scarring the kid for being what he/she was born to be..themselves.
Society tells us ;be all that you can be,democracy is the foundation of our country, that we are “special” because anyone can go to school to learn and cultivate their skills for life that will support them and bring happiness and prosperity into their lives.
American families teach dependency not individuality, responsibility, Spirituality, and reason, nor how to tap into strength from within and how to develop our own identity. American families are the farthest thing from a practicing democratic unit, they are the most confining, debilitating and suppressing example of what “family” means.
There are millions in this world who would give their right arm Literally to be able to have an education. Millions do die, will die and are prepared to die so that their kids can go to school and learn. How many people have been blown up from stepping on land mines on their way to school? How many have been shot point blank for crossing over an invisible line to get to school? how many families have been round up and burned to death or shot or macheted to death for having learning material hided within their homes? How many millions of people are out here with mutilated limbs , scars visible and scars so deeply in-bedded within their mind who will again go out of their houses and walk the same route with the same possibilities encountering the horrors that blew their family apart because a book of knowledge is more valuable than fear?
The parents who instill fears of abandonment into their children because they dare to be what they were born to be, because they yearn to know knowledge outside of their restrictive family unit I say shame on you you selfish ….For those kids who were abused, let down, shamed or emotionally baby-fied are the ones who grow up to be crappy teachers, coaches and dr.s. Our schools are filled with let downs, teachers who have no soul and no passion and certainly no patience, they are overwhelmed over worked and under appreciated just as they were as children Learning and teaching is a cycle you can’t blame one for incompetence without looking at how that came to be, and it all starts with the Parents.
To us all, we are all responsible for the life of a child. Responsible for nurturing and providing everything positive. They are not property . We can’t tie them up to sit in our life and threaten them when they show signs of thinking for themselves. This is america, we have been given a chance of freedom to learn without an army,guns,bombs and land mines on our path to school, and soo many parents are f-ing up what a very awesome chance kids have at being the next leaders who WILL bring peace and solve a lot of problems and miseries americans deal with. But If we can’t even appreciate this reality which millions of others have to die for than we are no better, no smarter and certainly not more consciously aware than any one else and we certainly are not worthy the name “super power” because factually the majority of people in this country are functioning at the level of 8th graders. SO parents take the dam diapers off of your kid and send them out into the world-because it is the world THEY will be running before you know it.
I must apologize for being sporadic at times with thoughts and feelings but that is my mind and it never rests to stay on any one subject to long. Except that of God (which isn’t a subject but an absolution) He is what I’d love to talk about, learn more of and grow within more and more, for strength for truth for life and for all of us who are always thirsty for more and more wonderful and amazing that is He.
So here is one (of many that is setting me free, growing me stronger) incidents in my Spiritual journey I encountered that I realized some people out there were conflicted about and that was harming their own path to Truth and life with God.
I had a friend who was very “christian” in her religious routine; go to church on sunday, make sure her kids did the first communion thing, pray before eating….and that was it. During our phone conversations before I’d go over to visit she’d make sure to ask “now we pray before supper, are you going to be comfortable with that?” Which wasn’t so much a question (because It didn’t pertain to me) but a statement for witness to their “obedience” in their religion. So when I finally went to visit her, I was looking forward to some conversations about Jesus and Faith, because that is how she made herself and that of her family’s home to be. a home dedicated to God and living as best as they could in God with a thirst to expand heart and mind and Spirit.. But I was really wrong. She is one of those “christians, catholics” that will not listen to or discuss or expand upon anything that is outside of what she was taught by a mother she dislikes ….Funny how people cling to beliefs and opinions that were formed FOR them BY someone they don’t like, respect or would want to be like (which is exactly what happens!) She ended up being one of those religious talkers but no doing or believing–just full of empty words because that is the religion she was raised on ..and refuses to move her mind (you know people like that right!?)….. But something positive (for me) came out of a question she brought up about God and I realized it was a question a lot of wishy washy religious people face that keep them stuck in their stinking thinking. and I’d like to explain it so that the reason will help dissolve a doubt any one out there have about God’s love –if you are one of those out there thats struggling with some wrong teaching or unexplained explanations you’ve been exposed to.
The story my friend has trouble with in the Bible is about Abraham and God’s command that he offers his son as sacrifice. My friend said “she doesn’t know about how a loving God could ask this.” I then realized that if this story is misread or not explained well then thats a “check mark” for satan cause he loves doubt!
And this is how I can explain it . God knew he would send His Son to save the world. Now if I was going to send my son to save the world I would make sure He would come from a lineage that started with the best of the best! Look at how much you have to prove of yourself just to get a car! Now quadbillon that for the application to be the start of the line for the King of Kings!!!!!!!!!!!! and so How would you find out to be sure without doubt that the person you chose (it works for the chosen too) would be the right person???? —To ask that of the chosen to do the most painful act while having the most abundant faith in GOD that what He asks of you there is no doubt, no questions no flinching and all in Love…..And that is what it was for, pure love and both sides had it!
Have a Fantastic Night!