Chaotic Beauty

Hello! Hello:)

For today’s dVerse metting at the bar: Give it to Me One More Time (Do It Over Again) Victoria from the good folks over at dVerse, asked us to pick a piece and revise and revamp it. I am re-everything on a short story or poem, I don’t know what it was trying to be, I wrote years ago that I just can’t seem to get right,nor finish. It keeps evolving, devolving, and fading in and out of memory, but recently I’ve been thinking about it. I tried using it for nano short a little while ago. The new version is a couple words over 300. Here’s the original,  my first attempt (long long past) at a long (for me, story………UM YAH IT”S EMBARRASSING!

Original                                      CHAOTIC BEAUTY

She stands inside the screen porch doorway. The sun shines kindly on her back unbiased to the macabre scene out back.
Tiny drops of blood entangled in her blonde ringlets fall upon the cool wood floor. Now a witness to her rebirth.
A tiny morphine smile stretches across her face as she falls to her knees embracing herself with a soiled hug.
Her mind flashes back to him. But in her new found bliss, quickly discards that memory for eternity to the shadows of her mind.

 Tonights Revision (I don’t mind if it’s only ok, It still needs a lot of work! But I am soo much happier, Thanks Victoria for this push!)

She was looking out from inside the screened in porch doorway, watching as her promise faded into another’s dream. She fights to keep her dark eyes from swelling and filling with tears. Laughing, he just turns and starts walking towards the car down the old  dirt driveway .She remembers something and shouts to him… I made your favorite lemonade, you can take it with you. Under her breath she adds, I don’t need it anymore.

He turns around smiling. Aaah sure, he replies, drawing out the sounds of the words, while smiling the kind of smile a guy uses for a girl he could care less about if they live or die.

I’ll bring it to yah, wait a minute. She closes the screen door and heads into the dark interior that swallows her completely.

She’s in the doorway again, but she isn’t interested in the ghosts walking away with her life anymore. She hums low as the strong light of the sun warms kindly, unbiasedly, upon her back. The dark cherry wood flooring cools her feet as she steps in, on to it from the porch. Tiny droplets of blood entangled in her dirty blonde ringlets fall to the red stained shine below, inviting it to settle within the hard worked finish.

Looking down she stands transfixed, watching the droplets splatter, landing in a unorganized rhythm. A tiny morphine smile etches across her face. Suddenly she tosses her head back as she falls to her knees, embracing herself in a soiled hug. An uninvited thought pierces her mind.  A memory, a faded image of his hand holding hers.  There’s nothing. And she lets it go, discarding it within the depths of the dark stillness consuming her senses.

She sits up on her knees and hovers over. She pauses and looks interestingly at the pale skin interrupted by blueish, purple lines and leans closer and kisses his mouth, his cold, dead eyes and whispers.. goodbye my love, goodbye.

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18 thoughts on “Chaotic Beauty

  1. For me the first was an idea that could have gone many ways. I like the short story as you re-wrote it. I agree with Brian’s suggestion above. Use of active verbs in prose or poetry wherever possible makes it stronger. Like adverbs, perfect tenses slow down the narrative. I liked the story..terrifying and sad.

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    • Yes, that why this has been floating around for years. I can’t develop the idea. I would really love to go to school and learn structure and what is what! Thank you for the tips, I have to look up those things now:)

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  2. nice…i like the new version…a suggestion…lead with action instead of pronouns…such as

    She was looking out from inside the screened in porch doorway

    could be

    Looking out from inside the screened in porch doorway, she

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    • Hello :) Absolutely! Thank you for the input! This is my #1 weakness, structuring and laying of a straight short/long story. I really want and need to learn how to do this. I’ve only written a couple but I’ve attempted millions of times lol

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