Presently

I was just about to write about mothers day and then…

He screams at me again. A grown old man throwing a tantrum like a 4 year old who received the “wrong” colored bike for a birthday gift. My heart doesn’t jump into a state of pre-heart attack mode anymore but none the less I still had to brace myself as I heard his hurried, heavy footsteps stomp down to where I was sitting. And my hands still shake awhile after the encounter but I think that would be normal for anyone gearing up for an unwelcome attack. I don’t know how to respond anymore to the insanity that drives him to focus just solely on me in a place where four others reside. It seems that I didn’t wipe the counter off well enough after I, well, wiped it. And he states “I’m getting heavy lately with slacking on keeping up with my messes, lets pick up after ourselves.” (I love that “ourselves”).

Doesn’t mater that I’m never around to make messes and it doesn’t mater that while the anger swells up within him he’s walking across dirty crumb filled floors, pass various items piled with thick dust and down a hallway filled sporadically of dropped items such as shoes and other unidentifiable objects non of which are mine. Yet a drop of water left unattended is enough to infuriate a grown man causing him to belittle and bully a women, a grown adult, mother of two. The sis and mom are eyeing eachother like “uhh-humm” I can feel it.

I’ve finally got to the point where I can almost laugh at him. Not to his face of course because I’d get pounded. But I don’t see him or them anymore as having anything to do with me. What they think doesn’t mater, what they feel, I no longer try to rationalize as a behavior they exhibit because of their own childhood pain. That no longer applies. They’ve had decades to learn and change and mature and love. I no longer dwell for days on end wondering why they hate me. I simply don’t care. I will never apologize and lower myself, scraping the floor with my heart trying to settle THEIR storm. It’s been quite a process facing what I’ve always known to be true but just couldn’t believe I was actually living it-My family are bonafide true blue psychopaths. Very hard core too, any psychoanalysis or what not would die just to hear my story then interview them. Unfortunately I inherited the worse kind, the kind who sabotage and not only wish for it but actually do harm.

They’ve tormented me my whole life and I took it because I thought that it was normal. Thank God for the internet and for cable. Now I know why I never had TV growing up. My family isolates themselves into a bubble where they are all that exists and that is what I was taught. I can’t believe how much time has been lost while I swimming in a world of misinformation. But a few months ago something happened to me that was quite wild.

It was after another violent encounter him. I was giving my mother tips on how to prepare the turkey a different
way. You know like how people who are cooking something in an open kitchen and the women go in to talk about what they saw on the Food Network about turkey and side dishes. Women do that don’t they? Especially in a family where there are a bunch of women and you all see eachother everyday. Well since she’s always wondering how to make this and that and I have the herb information why wouldn’t I share that? I guess I was wrong and I was told that. I was told that is not what people do and I am way out of line and disrespectful. He said all this, well slobberly shouted it as he tore across the room flying over an occupied couch, lips peeled back over his teeth, arms stretched long fingers reaching towards my neck. Bulls eye. We danced for awhile made it to the door and kissed the cement sidewalk out front. The sis and mom are not saying a word but I happen to see them glaring at me as I shot a “don’t you think this is insane? um will you say something?” Nope not now not never but they’re sure tell me I’m the one that’s crazy.

They went back to cooking. I sat on the front lawn just totally in amazement how this crap is even possible in any realm of fact or fiction. And then instead of crying and freaking out everything stopped. My mind slowed, the scenery around me slowed down. I felt disconnected from myself. And then all of these memories came like a flood passing before my eyes. Every event, incidence, problem, question that I ever wanted to know the answer for why it happened, what did I do wrong, why me, why why why..? was answered. And I saw so clearly the path that led to the beginning of every bad twist and turn, every pain and despair, every hell I went through, was caused by my family. The things I did, the types of people I had around me, the valueless concept thinking of myself, had all been caused by the direct result of their pushing, conditioning and isolation. And I was free.

How much time do people waste wondering what it is that they did wrong that causes them to get into another painful situation or what can they do to change to make things better within their situation. It was never me that I needed to change. It was the environment. I was never going to experience happiness by surrounding myself in environments filled with the types of people my family showed me I deserved. Those were the only types of people I had been exposed to. There’ve never been adults in my life, there’s never been anyone to learn from. And when ever I was proven smart by outside forces they did everything to drag me back down to there level. No one can be better. Now everything makes sense to me.
I feel like I’ve climbed another level of humanizim. I’m growing towards something so awesome, towards God and truth. It’s freedom to rise above the fog and see clearly far above this world so clogged with such twisted thinking and acting that to give into it, will suck out your soul and you’ll find yourself dead inside acting like zombie sheep.

I’ve been bullied my whole life by many different kinds of people. But now, thanks to the extreme, incisive, unyielding bullying laid on from my family I understand it and I know myself. And when you know those two things you can almost laugh at how weak someone has to be in order act like one. And you will see that people have all kinds of reasons, jelousy and envy because they want so badly to be like you, only it comes natural to you and they have no idea how to get it. It could be out of the need to be popular with that girlfriend or boyfriend who hates you. And then you see how pathetic not just that person is but the people who cheer on or indulge the bully laughing in agreement. Or it could be that they sincerely are just evil and that is soo sad because in order for them to get “high” about themselves and feel like they mater, they have to bully the one who is most sensitive.

But they don’t mater anymore. I see who and what they are and I know that I will never have to put myself into worlds that consist of yucky people. And for the psychopathic ones I have to be around for the moment, I no longer am a slave to their words, which I will make into a novel and then I will be totally free.

I’ll write about mothers day tomorrow maybe.

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