The Vipers near my Heart

I want to write something beautiful something warm and fuzzy, but that is not what I am occupied by right now. The people closest to me by blood are the most damaging and the ultimate craziness of it all is that they think they are quite normal in their psychoticness and that it is I who is quite “not normal.”
The burden sons and daughters have of the love for a parent that comes with birth is an impossible noose to severe when the parent (s) is an inescapable entity. My family has done incredible harm. After a million slices and slashes from them I still have not heard one “I am sorry.” Even in not-normal families there are “I’m sorries.” But these “born again” christian parents those words have never crossed their heart. Ohh they are quick to apologise to the telemarketer on the phone when they have to say no to their sales pitch. They are quick with the sorries if they accidentally cut in front of a shopper in line. I’ve listened a thousand times to them saying sorry to complete a-holes over the years, people who did not deserve it, yet I’ve heard “i’m sorry for letting you drown, I’m sorry for taking away your only sibling at birth by claiming It for myslef and pitting It against you driving a wedge in your heart for all of your life, I’m sorry for not rescuing you from killers, I’m sorry for cutting you into little bits while I praised dirtbags, I’m sorry I lied about not having medicine for all the times I saw you suffer and stroke.”
I can not explain it except that I believe they will not say sorry or acknowledge any kind of pain I experience whether emotional or physical because that means (to them in their weird brain) that they would have to submit???? Or are they such narcissists that to aid or apologize would mean the “spotlight” would be taken off of them??
What I’m trying to say is that the ties that bind are incredible strong as I find myself loving them in increments when they turn jekle nice, and although you can see the icy insincerity in their faces as they “play” along with normal activities families do like talk… I find myself even more icky on the inside for letting myself be friends again with the vipers. I do not know of any other way from getting bit again as i know inevidently I shall (each day I pray for the Spirit for strength and each night I pray for Him to send His Angles to open the eyes of my family so that they will let the Holy Spirit move them and change them and ultimatly save them) than by separating myself so completely as to have oceans and mountains, rivers and valleys separate our existence for I do not trust my forgiving and anxious nature to hope that there is some ounce of true compassion, comrodery and of safe and wholesome love that is in a parents nature



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